Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
- Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name?
- Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.
You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do you?
→ No. They can't afford the admission.
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. "Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. "What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants
- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?
- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!
What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
→ Nothing, he didn't recognize them!
Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left.
"So how was it?" Elaine asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Jordan replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?
→ In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.
- Fred: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?
- Bert: No, what happened?
- Fred: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .
- Bert: What did you do?
- Fred: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order?
→ A zoo-t suit!
What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?
→ Stop playing it cagey!
A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages
"An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.
"Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose!!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"
- Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours!
- Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy!
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend, "I have one question.
Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"
Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar.
"Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.
"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"
"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?"
"What's the matter with you?" asked his father.
"Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"
My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, "If you want people to see you they can come here and do it!"
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.
Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu.
Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local…
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, "it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys.
Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street."
Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. "Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when she got home.
"Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to a dead zoo."
Yo mama is so fat that she needs a book mark to keep track of all her chin rolls!
yo mama's teeth so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings, "i got sunshine on a cloudy day".....
yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles traffic slows down.
