Redneck Jokes

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.

"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked.

"'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist:

- I'd like to become the next President of the United States.

- The receptionist: What are you, an idiot?

- Redneck: Why, is it required?

Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner,

"Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?"

"Whada ya win?"

"A million dollars!" said the redneck. "You get a dollar a year for a million years."

"How much are they each?"

"Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle.

The Sergeant said, "How'd you learn to shoot like that? Have you ever been in combat before?"

"Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be honest, this is my first public war."

How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
→ Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.

Jim sees his neighbor out back building a bunker, loading in 75 gallons of bottled water, hauling in a gas generator and so on. "So, uh, I guess you believe Y2K is a biggie huh?"
"Naw", says the neighbor. "Ah's jes' stockin' the bunker now, 'cuz if I did it any other time, people'd think ah's nuts."

During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.

"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.

"What fer?" asked Pyle.

"Shorter hours."

"Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

Kennen was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in.

"Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said breathlessly.

Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.

"Well, did yew stop him?" asked Stakely.

"Naw!" said the redneck. "He was too fast. But Ah got his license plate before he got away!"