Miscellaneous

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.12. Sniffle incessantly.13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog".15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.21. Practice making fax and modem noises.22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.30. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

You know you're out of college when...1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.8. 8:00 am is not early.9. You have to file your own taxes.10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.11. You're not carded anymore.12. You carry an umbrella.13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.17. You start watching the weather channel.18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.22. You go to parties that police don't raid.23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.25. Your car insurance goes down.26. You refer to college students as kids.27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".911: "is this her first child?".

Man: "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband"!

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee."

That's my yarmulka," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. "What are you doing, the kid asked".

Well, you wanted a brother, so we're making you one.

The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker's tailpipe.

"Son...what the hell are you doing!!!"

And the son replied - "Mom said she wanted an new car, so I'm making her one!"

YO mamma is so fat...she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too.

"The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"

Yo momma so damn heavy that when she stands on the scales to get weighed it says "TO BE CONTINUED!"

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says "Put this on your bill sir" to which the duck replies "what do you think I'M a dickhead!"

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.

The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class."

"I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot.

The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?"

The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!"