Corporate lingo list
Heres a little clarification of corporate lingo. COMPETITIVE SALARY:We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:We have no time to train you+- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day. SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:Some time each night and some time each weekend. DUTIES WILL VARY:Anyone in the office can boss you around. MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:We have no quality control. CAREER-MINDED:Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). APPLY IN PERSON:If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled. NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:Weve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality. SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: Youll need it to replace three people who just left. PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos. REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do. IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office. IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had. I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:I blame others for my mistakes. IM PERSONABLE:I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers. IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:I carry a Day-Timer. I AM ADAPTABLE:Ive changed jobs a lot. I AM ON THE GO:Im never at my desk.
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