Redneck Jokes

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar.

"Let's get out of here!" said Sauer.

"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!"

- Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town?

- Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?"

"Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy.

"Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!"

"A rifle? What fer?"

"Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck.

"W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"

Kelso met Hensley on the street. "Hey!" said Kelso, "how come I never hear from you? Why don't you call me on the telephone?"

"You ain't got no tellyphone!" said Hensley.

"I know," said Kelso. "But you do!"

Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A.M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery.

"What's the matter?" asked Moody. "Are you in trouble?"

"No!" said Crumm.

"What do you want, then?"

"Nothing!"

"Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody.

"Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates is cheaper!"

The phone in Rigby's Georgia farmhouse rang one evening. When he answered, the operator said, "This is long distance from Chicago."

"I knowed it's a long distance from Chicago!" answered the farmer. "How come you called to tell me that?"

"Mah son's real smart!" crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance. "He's only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!"

"What's his name?" asked the friend.

"Bob."

- Interviewer: How do you spell Mississippi?

- Redneck: Which one? The river or the state?

Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought "grammar" was his father's mother.

On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun.

"The phone connection's bad," said the secretary. "I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it."

The governor replied, "'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!"

A police officer stopped a young man for speeding. He stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"