Kewl Job Application!
Q.
- NAME:A.
- Iam ApplyinQ.
- DESIRED POSITION:A.
- Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
Q.
- DESIRED SALARY:A.
- $185,
000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
Q.
- EDUCATION:A.
- Yes.
Q.
- LAST POSITION HELD:A.
- Target for middle-management hostility.
Q.
- SALARY:A.
- Less than I'm worth.
Q.
- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:A.
- My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
Q.
- REASON FOR LEAVING:A.
- It sucked.
Q.
- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:A.
- Any.
Q.
- PREFERRED HOURS:A.
- 1:30-3:30 p.
m.
, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
Q.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
:A.
- Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
Q.
- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
:A.
- If I had one, would I be here?
Q.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
:A.
- Of what?
Q.
- DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
:A.
- I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"Q.
- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
:A.
- I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
Q.
- DO YOU SMOKE?
:A.
- Only when set on fire.
Q.
- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
:A.
- Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
Q.
- WHO DO WE CONTACT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY?
:A.
- The nearest hospital comes to mind.
Q.
- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
:A.
- No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:Sagitarian with Cancer rising.
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