Miscellaneous

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED- We are still pissing in the wind.2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION- We know who to blame.4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED- The only person who understood the thing quit.9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION- I can't wait to hear this bull!14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS- Come into my office, I'm lonely.15. ALL NEW- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.16. RUGGED- Too damn heavy to lift!17. LIGHTWEIGHT- Lighter than RUGGED.18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT- One finally worked.19. ENERGY SAVING- Achieved when the power switch is off.20. LOW MAINTENANCE- Impossible to fix if broken.

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of drainingand a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, thedoctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?

D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??

EH??

D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thankGoodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy DepartmentWhat has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.

SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.

EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWLC:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN<-------- The information went data way -------->Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compressionThe Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.

COM Halted...

Cereal Port Not RespondingThe name is Baud......, James Baud.

Access denied--nah nah na na

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

Mom's Brownies Recipe...

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

FrostingMix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar1 oz unsweetened chocolate1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:THE TENT POLE IS UP,THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'STHE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,SO DO IT BY HAND!!

Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?

A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.8. You're counting down the days until menopause.9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

starkle starkle little twinkwho the hell you are I thinkI'm not under what you callthe alcofluence of incoholI'm just a little slort of sheepI'm not drunk like tinkle peepI don't know who is me yetbut the drunker I stand herethe longer I get Just give me one more drinkto fill me cup'cuz I got all day soberto Sunday up